Cabin Fever

The Commodore
Apr 27, 2020
3 min read

Updated: Sep 25, 2021

* TO ALL CREW – NOTICE OF LOCKDOWN EXTENSION*

“On 16th April 2020, the Admiral of the Fleet extended the Coronavirus lockdown period through until the 9th May 2020. In accordance with this extension, The Canal and River Trust have asked that all movement along the waterways continue to be confined to essential travel only. The situation will be reviewed at that time.”

Following the dissemination of this news throughout the good ship Matanuska, the Grand Poohbah discerned a palpable rise in the level of discontent and restlessness amongst the crew, accompanied by worrying signs of disruptive behaviours. Matters came to a head on the afternoon of the 23rd day of April, 2020. His report of the afternoon’s event

It seems that it all began with the Veterinary Officer, who, it has to be said, has come to the notice of the authorities on previous occasions for unruly activities. News of the lockdown extension apparently unleashed a surge of wild energy, and he was seen to rush to the rear of the vessel and fling himself over the taffrail into the trailing tender. He was last observed in the purloined tender, making an unsteady passage down the canal whilst roaring “Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!” Some aboard were heard to mutter “Good riddance I say” and, “I’ll bet he ends up like Jack de Crow”!

The Veterinary Officer attempting to emulate Jack de Crow

The Grand Poohbah reported that what ensued next defied anything that he had ever witnessed in all his years at sea.

The Ship’s Boy (Acting) – who had been below gathering tackle in preparation for a fishing expedition – appeared on deck in time to witness the receding figure of the Veterinary Officer making off with the only tender. This caused an astonishing outburst of profanities from the Ship’s Boy who gave vent to his need for fish – or anything other than the endless diet of boiled salt beef and hard biscuits that he’d been getting lately. The Cook took exception to his accusations, stating that she was doing her best in difficult times, and if he thought that he could do better then he was welcome to her job. The Storekeeper immediately sprang to her defence and squared up to the Ship’s Boy, ordering him to “put up his dukes”. The Ship’s Boy, who now regretted his outburst, wished to turn the matter off by saying, "I see the price of eggs has gone up again," but the Storekeeper gave him a such a punch on the snout that bent it like a carrot.

The Ship’s Nurse (who had been watching the 2019 AFL replays), then materialised – minus her Dettol – claiming that all of her supplies of said item had mysteriously disappeared over-night– and all she had at her disposal was whiskey. Upon hearing this announcement, the Whiskey Sounding Officer hove into view to witness the travesty of the aforementioned Ship’s Nurse dabbing at injuries with his Blue Label Johnnie Walker, an event that occasioned him to turn a peculiar shade of puce!

In the midst of this melee, the Chief Tosser entered the fray with 150 lashes in hand and threatened to give a taste of the cat to all and sundry if the rumpus continued. Upon hearing this proclamation, All and Sundry lined up for 150 Lashes and blessed peace descended once again!